If you want to enjoy the Oxfordshire countryside at its springtime finest, find yourself a four-legged companion, suggests James Mitchell.
“He doesn’t like hats, I’m not sure he’d let you wear one.”
The “he” in question is Albie, a 16.2 hands high, retired chestnut gelding with a dramatic white blaze running down his face to his flaring nostrils. His owner Kate, old friend of mine, says this almost apologetically and I’m not inclined to test his patience. I’ve been trying to coax Albie out of retirement for one last job – a photo shoot with me. He’s handsome, powerful, and an empathic companion, but my cowboy hat could be a deal breaker. We’d already agreed his fee, one whole pack of polos, paid in advance.
“Although… maybe if you served the polos to him in the hat, that might swing it.”
My previous equine experience is limited. A couple of Donkey Derbies on the beach at Weston-super-Mare in which I did not place. The occasional punt on The Grand National, almost exclusively on horses which did not place. And a ‘romantic’ weekend away horse trekking during a sticky patch in my second marriage. With my second wife, I hasten to add… At the end of our ride, I sprang from the saddle looking to perform an exuberant dismount, realised mid-air that I had made a huge misjudgement and landed flat on my arse. A bit like the marriage really. One bruised coccyx and many thousands of pounds later the divorce finally came through. So, in the compact but competitive field of my favourite marriages, I’m afraid that number two also did not place.
But it’s time to bury my horsey hatchet and lay down some fonder mustang memories. And, it turns out, Oxford is the perfect place to do that. To the north of the county, as it creeps into the Cotswolds, you can find the Chipping Norton set. Here ex-PM, David Cameron, and his pals – big hitters from the worlds of television, film, politics, PR and media, such as former Sun editor Rebekah Brooks and her racehorse trainer husband Charlie Brooks – might look back fondly to when their fortunes burned brightest during the UK’s “austerity” years. Together, they sound like the cast of characters from one of the late Dame Jilly Cooper’s Rutshire Chronicles novels, set within a fictional county in the Cotswolds. If you like sex, or horses, these could very well be the books for you. If you like horses having sex that’s a bit niche, but it’s in there too.
With over 11 million copies estimated to have been sold in Britain alone you’ll be in good company. Some recent critics have pointed to the uncomfortable nature of viewing the books through a current lens, but Cooper would have no doubt dismissed this as nonsense. And her recurring characters such as the swaggering ex-Olympian (equestrian events, of course) MP (Tory, of course), Rupert Campbell-Black have endured and gained a popularity that their real-life equivalents could only dream of. Writing in the I Paper, Marianne Levy went as far to suggest that, should the Literary Review’s Bad Sex Award ever be augmented by a prize for good writing about sex, a Cooper bonkbuster should win it – the penis that ‘soars like Concorde then enters like the QE2’ is employed by Levy to press Cooper’s case.
That Concorde reference may well trigger memories of the opening scene of the 2024 television adaption of Rivals. We view our man Campbell-Black’s taut bare buttocks going to work in the confined space of the aquiline aeroplane’s loo. Inevitably, he induces a shuddering orgasm for journalist Beattie Johnson just as the plane goes supersonic. Pure TV Gold. Disney+ quickly realised they had a hit on their hands and season two was commissioned, due to be released next month. Aside from entertaining a grateful nation, Cooper’s legacy will also include a boost to the popularity of equestrian sports.
For now, though, April is upon us and brings with it the traditional start of the Polo season. The Hurlingham Polo Association, which celebrated its 150th anniversary last year, is working to capitalise on the current wave of Cooper-powered interest and democratise the sport’s appeal to bring in the next generation of both fans and players.
Image: Polo players work on their glutes
The Kirtlington Park Polo School is a great place to start if you want to get a taste of the game yourself and also enjoy the full spectacle of the professionals in action. Run by Melissa Wadley since its creation in 1993, it offers lessons from Tuesdays through to Sundays throughout the season and it is open to all. Set within the Capability Brown-landscaped gardens, it’s a magnificent setting and used by many schools and universities as a training base. If you just want to spectate, drop in for a visit on Sunday afternoons when you get free access to the grounds and can enjoy a fabulous looking lunch as you watch the culmination of their weekly tournament. Do not be nervous, Wadley is adamant that any fussy etiquette is out the window, and all will receive a warm welcome.
And polo is not just about the physical benefits; it’s also a path to much sought-after mental ‘wellness’. The British Horse Society, in association with Brighton University, released a report indicating that 80 per cent of respondents felt “quite a lot” or “extremely” happy and relaxed when riding a horse. According to the BHS, equine activities can also play a positive role in reducing the risk of dementia. Some specialist psychological therapists encourage their patients to work with horses as part of their treatment, but for many people a less formal, unstructured approach is more appealing.
My friend Kate advocates for just being in the calming presence of horses. Rather than polo, she prefers the gentle pleasures of a trek in the countryside. In Oxfordshire we’re spoilt for choice, but her recommendations include heading into the Cotswolds with a ride centred around Chipping Norton (of course) or dipping down to Wantage and taking a trail along the Ridgeway. And finally, one where you can set off from Kirtlington and head to village of Murcott on the Otmoor Nature Reserve and on to lunch at the Michelin-starred Nut Tree Inn. They’re geared up to look after the horses while you sample the delights of the menu, but best to book in advance for this one.
So, how did Albie and I get on when we eventually meet? I think it’s fair to say that I’m not much of a horse whisperer and the polo (the mint with the hole) infused hat was cold shouldered after an inquisitive nibble. However, Kate had prepared an alternative. Step forward the stunning Storm. He’s slightly shorter than Albie, at 14.2 HH and also a gelding. A Connemara pony, officially described as a grey, but rocking a stunning bleached-out look, with black-lashed eyes, Storm is a real head turner. Once you gain his confidence, he is very much game for a laugh. After he’d tucked into my polos with gusto and the sugar rush kicked in, he leant forward to whisper in my ear. It was a bit blowy as we headed off from the stable, but I could have sworn he started to hum a familiar Tom Jones’ classic before almost muttering, “baby, you can leave your hat on.”
